I don’t know how to start, though there are a lot of things that I wanna talk about, but indeed I feel my skills of English writing are not better than before. I have nothing to do on my desk. Perhaps it’s just excuse to blame many cases caused me like this. I had a dream that I would take master of philosophy someday. I had a dream I would give lecture to my students in university. I had a dream going overseas, or majoring in English or in philosophy there before. But it decreased slowly since I got married. Then I supposed that it would be removed soon in marriage. Before I got married him I have worked in a school trying to step a new career as a teacher, but somehow I just felt that however the utmost dream and career that a woman has, she has to follow her husband wherever he goes, I certainly wanted to get a job. Suddenly I felt disappointed thinking that I was no longer availing for a woman’s dignity as a pride. I was no longer making money and was being looked down I felt by some people behind my husband. Then working as a mother looking after babies that hindered me from things I really appreciated my life before. I was desperately bored with these kinda circumstances. Why as I was climbing up each step, I fell down two steps even more. I was trying to pursue strength each day since I was a little girl.
Once there was a Life in the Spirit Seminar that my friend invited me, It was like a retreat and seminar, that was all I knew before. They might be talking about how to do the right. I was thinking that this was just a crap, but I still joined I was thinking there was something gonna blow my mind or I would even criticize them. When I was attending the first and the second meeting of ‘the Life in the Spirit Seminar’, it gave me a bunch thought in my mind. Specifically, I noted down from both meeting that Jesus loves me since I was child through mother, father, brothers, friends and now through my husband. Whatever my husband is, God always gives His loves through him. When we would be there in the third meeting, I was so upset with my digestive system before I was going to the seminar. We finally came late though we were reluctant to show up and there we were to attend the seminar. I listened to the speaker telling about her broken family that was almost similar with my background reminded me to the lost link in the past.
It was hard to remember about the past but I just thought that there was a lot of burden I piled up. But I had to reveal them up towards God, I don’t know how to continue this while my heart’s supposed to bury the memory of my childhood with no mother even let me drown on what she said that I didn’t belong to her, I then mingled by shimmering world for reaction of refusing myself, or perhaps finding a relish that also mocked me down to the sin, trying to find the truth who I am. Till I’d promised to omit the past and began with my own endurance to strive between poverty, resentment, lost identity, that led to the ignoring of God, accused of anything He gave, pretended that no one care about myself except I myself. I ought to stand on myself. Oh I’m fed up with this kinda’ circumstances that are trying to snatch my heart into the gloom, to scratch deeply till I’m dying of mercy. Don’t know whose mercy….but the other part inside of me saying better get drunk and those will vanish with their own way but…Don’t!!!
Hence, the Life in the Spirit Seminar in church has stepped me up to the difference stance of this life, revealing another forgotten part of this world that I’d ever been running it before. Eventually, I knew that He really loves me, I believed that turning point was God has been working in me. He’s been digging my past & revealing it gradually became new revelation to what I live for, what is the purpose I live. Since that time I knew that God doesn’t promise to remove all struggles, and God had designed our life uniquely, as the bridge to carry us to joy. Sometimes what looks miserable at first glance is the fruit of God’s most exquisite gift……so I lift up a pray onto Him ”God I belongs to you, just work on me according to your plan”
As recited in Psalm 23:
I always remember even through the deep valley of life, that God is always be there with me, trying to pull me out of the valley through everyone around us. Eventually, my heart could be able to reconcile with the past…..and I realized that he has planned our life wonderfully before we know…..for His glory….and for us…..
Jakarta, 14 February 2006